How To Set Strong Boundaries
The #1 Secret to Standing Up for Yourself
Have you ever wanted to say “no” so badly, but the word just wouldn’t leave your mouth? Maybe you don’t want to seem rude. Maybe you feel like you have to keep everyone else happy. Maybe you’re scared of letting someone down or being judged.
And so, once again, you swallow it. You smile. You agree. You watch people walk all over you while inside, you’re screaming at yourself: why can’t I just stand up for myself?
If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone and you’re definitely not broken.
I could give you the standard tips on “how to stand up for yourself”:
➜ Be more confident.
➜ Practice saying no.
➜ Don’t over-explain yourself.
➜ Imagine yourself being assertive.
But here’s the truth: if you’ve tried all that before, you already know it doesn’t work long-term. Sure, you can hype yourself up on Sunday night, promising that on Monday you’ll finally tell Karen at work to back off. But the second you’re face-to-face with her? All that bravado vanishes. You freeze. You go blank. You give in.
Trust me, I’ve been there. And the reason is simple: you haven’t fixed the core issue.
Why Can’t I Stand Up for Myself?
If you’ve ever wondered “why can’t I stand up for myself?” the answer is rarely about confidence alone. On the surface, it might look like you’re just too shy, too nice, or too afraid of conflict. But underneath, the real reason is deeper: your nervous system and unhealed trauma are working against you.
🧊When you try to stand up for yourself, your body doesn’t just see it as a simple interaction. It interprets it as a potential threat. That’s why you might freeze, feel small, or even go blank mid-conversation.
🚨⚠️What’s happening in that moment is much deeper than you can see. Your nervous system is sounding all the alarms that danger is near, flooding your body with protection signals. And in your case, that protection usually looks like saying nothing or blindly agreeing, even when you don’t mean it.
Later, you get mad at yourself for not standing up for yourself. But here’s the truth: you had no choice. Your nervous system has been trained to react in exactly this way.
The good news? Just as it was trained to shut you down, it can absolutely be retrained to let you feel safe and speak your truth.
People who can stand up for themselves easily aren’t superhuman. They’ve simply trained their nervous systems (knowingly or unknowingly) and have reached a place where:
They’re not constantly worried about how others see them.
They don’t have 1000 trauma-fuelled thoughts running through their head in every conversation.
They trust that it’s safe to express their needs without losing love or respect
How To Set Boundaries That Actually Stick
Here’s the problem with most advice on how to set boundaries: it tells you what to do (“just say no”) but not why you can’t seem to do it in the first place and that’s the critical missing piece.
🔄If you only try the surface-level tips, you’ll end up back at square one the moment life gets busy. Boundaries aren’t something you practice for a week and then forget about. They’re an energy shift. They stick when they come from a healed and confident place inside you.
Easy and confident boundary setting comes from a mindset that isn’t flooded with “what if’s”. But “what if they see me as mean or rude” “what if they fall out with me” “what if they, what if I, what if, what if, what if…”. All of this is trauma talking.
The amazing this is, is that once you heal the trauma that’s causing you to worry about all the "‘what if’s”, the “what if’s” don’t even exist anymore Let me explain:
1. Your mind greatly overexaggerates what might happen if you stand up for yourself, that’s trauma, it’s just trying to keep you safe.
2. Once you become more healed, people can subconsciously feel that about you. They’ll start treating you differently, better and with more respect because they are mirroring the new version of you, thats just how it works.
So instead of asking, “How do I stand up for myself” the better question is:
“What’s stopping me from feeling safe to stand up for myself in the first place?”
Trauma Is the Hidden Block Behind Weak Boundaries
The #1 secret to setting strong boundaries is this: you have to release the trauma that’s making you feel small, unsafe, or unworthy when you try to stand up for yourself.
And trauma doesn’t always mean one big, life-shattering event. Often, it’s much more subtle, a buildup of tiny moments that leave you feeling powerless:
🤐 Being told as a child to “be quiet” or “don’t answer back.”
🚫 A parent or teacher who made you feel like your opinion wasn’t valid.
😢 The times you were laughed at, ignored, or punished for speaking your truth.
🎭 Friends who pressured you to go along with things just to “fit in.”
🤷♀️Partners or colleagues who dismissed your feelings until you stopped voicing them.
On their own, these moments might not seem dramatic. But added up over years, they create an inner belief: my needs don’t matter or it’s not safe to stand up for myself.
That belief becomes automatic. And it’s why no matter how many “assertiveness hacks” you try, you end up shrinking back into silence.
☠️ 🛑 Every one of those experiences doesn’t just sit in your memory, it trains your nervous system. Over time, your body learns that speaking up equals danger. So, when you try to set a boundary as an adult, your nervous system sounds the alarm, your heart races, your chest tightens, your mind goes blank and before you know it, you’ve agreed to something you didn’t want to do.
It’s not weakness; it’s conditioning. Your nervous system has been wired to protect you from the very thing you’re trying to do.
How Healing Trauma Makes Boundaries Effortless
When you release trauma, standing up for yourself stops being a battle. It becomes natural.
🧘 You no longer obsess over what people will think if you say no.
😌 You stop replaying conversations in your head, beating yourself up for what you “should have” said.
🗣️ You feel safe expressing yourself because deep down, you know you’re still worthy, even if someone disagrees.
✨ Your energy shifts. And when your energy shifts, people respond to you differently.
Healing isn’t about becoming rude or careless. It’s about reaching the place where you can honour yourself with ease, because you’re no longer weighed down by fear or shame.
When you re-train your nervous system to feel safe by releasing the trauma that’s been building up for years, your whole day-to-day life starts to feel calmer. The “danger alarms” stop blaring every time you want to say no, so standing up for yourself no longer feels terrifying, it feels natural.
Instead of your brain screaming “just say yes so they don’t hate you,” you’ll finally have the space to pause, breathe, and choose what’s right for you.
How To Start Healing So You Can Stand Up for Yourself
So, how do you actually begin healing and releasing trauma? One of the most powerful tools I’ve personally used is journaling.
✍️Journaling isn’t just about writing down your day. It’s about creating a safe container for your emotions.
By writing out your thoughts, you literally move stuck energy from your body to the page. You gain clarity, you see patterns, and you start to understand yourself in ways you couldn’t when everything was just swirling in your head.
And if you don’t know what’s underneath? That’s where journal prompts make all the difference. They gently guide you into the corners of your mind you might never have explored otherwise.
They can get you to see and understand parts of yourself you didn’t even know were there. I have personally had many “aha!” or “OMG that makes so much sense now!!” moments during journaling and its such a good feeling to understand yourself because it allows you to release it and move forward.
Journal Prompts to Help You Heal and Set Stronger Boundaries
Here’s a sneak peek🤫of some journal prompts from my Mental Health Reset Guide that you can start using today:
When you’re feeling trapped in Overthinking:
👉 If you pressed “pause” on your thoughts for a single day, what do you imagine would happen and what does that fear say about what you believe you need to control?
When You’re Feeling Not Okay but Don’t Know How You Feel:
👉 What do you wish someone else could understand about how you feel right now, and what is one thing someone could do or say to make you feel 1% better?
When you’re feeling Worried or Anxious:
👉 When you think back, can you remember a time in your childhood or teens when being on edge, alert, or “ready for anything” felt necessary to stay safe?
When you’re Feeling Too Critical Toward Yourself:
👉 Looking back on your life, where did you first experience harshness or criticism? Were your parents too hard on you, did teachers expect perfection, or did friends judge you or others?
❤️If you like these prompts you’re going to love my Mental Health Rest Guide:
💡I’ve created a powerful guide of 220 journal prompts across 22 categories, specifically designed to take you on a journey of awareness, understanding, and gentle release, leaving you feeling lighter, freer, calmer, and clearer.
This guide also includes a variety of powerful techniques and activities that I’ve personally used to support mental health in many different ways, so there’s something for everyone, no matter how you’re feeling.
It’s not available just yet, but you can join the waitlist and be the first to know when it’s released. Join the waitlist below:
Why This Is the Real Path to Confidence
When people search “how to set boundaries” or “how to stand up for myself,” they usually want quick steps. And yes, tips can help in the moment. But if you want boundaries that last, you need to go deeper.
The truth is: people who can easily stand up for themselves don’t have some magical skill you don’t. They just don’t have a mind constantly screaming with trauma-driven fears. They’re not chained to old memories or beliefs telling them it’s unsafe to speak up. And they’re not attaching their worth to how someone else reacts.
That’s what healing gives you: the ability to be confident, kind, and unapologetically you. To speak up without second-guessing. To set boundaries without guilt. And to finally stand up for yourself, not just once in a while, but as the person you naturally are.